New Year body hang ups.

(warning: quite a rambling post)

Come the start of every new year, the same kind of articles and messages keep popping up everywhere; Christmas is over, it's a new year, it's time to lose weight! Cool, groovy, go for it. It's a lovely idea. But all this stuff annoys me. Because honestly, I'd like to have put on some weight over Christmas. I don't need to lose weight, I need to put it on. I've always been slim (I prefer that term to 'thin', but who am I kidding? I'm thin. I'm skinny. There, I said it). Losing weight has never been an issue for me. Gaining weight, however? Issue. Yes, I know that most girls have the opposite problem. I know that. That's why there's so much written about losing weight, especially at this time of year. But it makes me a little sad. Because I know I have the kind of figure that a lot of the girls reading those articles about losing weight want to have. And I don't want it. Okay, that's a lie. I love that I can eat loads and barely put on weight. But I've got the figure of a stick. There are no discernible curves anywhere.

Over the summer I gained a fair amount of weight. I've no idea how much because I rarely weigh myself (not because of any weird psychological reason; I just don't particularly care), but it was a pretty visible difference. It came as a result of eating Dan's portions sizes for every meal and not doing very much (read: none) exercise. So I was pretty damn unhealthy. But for once in my life I actually had some vague semblance of curves. And I liked it.

But then I started a job that requires me to be on my feet, on the go, the whole time I'm there. It also means I eat more sporadically, and those two things equate to me losing weight. A lot of weight. Clothes that fit me perfectly three months ago are baggy on me (particularly trousers; I bought some size 8 work trousers, then 3 weeks later had to start wearing the trousers I last wore to school when I was 16). I've lost my bum. And damnit, I want it back! I would honestly rather be a size 10 (because, if I'm being honest, it would take a lot of eating and sitting still for me to be more than that!) with a little bit of 'flab', but with a good bum and some actual breasts, than a size 6 with, well, nothing.

The media portrays ideal women as having my overall figure, but with D cup breasts and a booty to match. It's something that's pretty damn tricky for the average woman to achieve (without the help of cosmetic surgery). I'm trying to love my body for what it is, for what I have, but it's hard. I have other body hang ups that I can deal with (the bump in my nose, for instance, means I despise photos of myself taken side on), but when I can't buy certain tops, certain dresses that I want to wear because they need hips and breasts to pull them off, it genuinely upsets me. It's all very well saying 'wear whatever you want', but when what I want to wear makes me look skinny and flat chested? I suddenly don't want to wear it any more.

I think what I'm trying to say is; anyone who dreams of being a size 6/8? It ain't all it's cracked up to be sometimes.

P.S. This is in no way an Emma pity party. I know I'm lucky to be naturally slim, don't worry! But if girls get to gripe about wanting to lose weight, I get to gripe about wanting to put on weight.

Recently ... [3]

+ So, because I apparently have THE shortest attention span like, ever ... I've changed my blog's design again. Not too much, but I just decided to make the colouring of it a bit more autumn/wintery. I'm pretty proud of it, yo. Especially the menu mouseover effects. I am such a nerd. I really need to get out more.

+ I've now got over 80 followers! Eek. I feel pretty proud of that, too. Thanks guys, for thinking me interesting enough to follow. And especially you guys who comment so much - I feel really lucky when I see some blogs that have a similar amount of followers but don't get anywhere near as many lovely comments as I do ♥

+ I've been drinking tea lately. Which is weird, because for years I was convinced I didn't like it (again, weird considering how my mother loves the stuff. She seriously drinks about 5 or 6 cups a day). But one morning in work I needed something warming to wake me up, and since I HATE coffee, I thought I'd give tea another try. And you know what? I actually liked it. Once I'd added some sugar and milk, at least. So now when someone in work offers, "Anyone want coffee? Tea?" I can actually reply with, "Tea please!" It makes me feel all grown up. Yeah.

+ I was going to do a post a couple of days ago about Kim Kardashian's marriage. Or lack of it. But it turned a bit ranty so I didn't post it. The gist of it was, though, that I'm fed up of celebrities treating marriage so casually. Marriage is supposed to be something that is forever. And yes, of course I understand that some marriages break down. But so many celebrities just don't even seem to try to make it work. Marriage absolutely isn't the next step of a relationship. If you can't even be bothered to try to make a 72 day old marriage work, then there should be some law to stop you remarrying. I don't understand how some people can get away with claiming that allowing gays to marry will ruin the sanctity of marriage, when 'celebrities' like Kim & Kris are out there, spending millions on a wedding, then waltzing out just when something slightly doesn't seem as fun as it once did. It makes me angry, to be honest.

+ And with that, Dan and I are off to the pub for some dinner and drinks. Yes please.

Not a forever settling down job.

I miss updating my blog almost every other day. Even though I've only been at this job two weeks, I feel as if it's dictating my life. I was supposed to have today and tomorrow as my days off, but I've got to go into work on both days - tonight because one of my colleagues has broken her finger so they're short staffed, and tomorrow morning because we have a team meeting. I'm supposed to have Friday and Sunday off, too, so now I'm worried I'm going to be asked to work on one or both of those days too. And I'm useless at lying (I never really thought about it, but Dan commented on it the other day and I realised I really am awful at it. I just can't pull it off at all) or coming up with excuses on the spot, so I know that if I'm asked I'll end up saying yes, no matter how much I don't want to.

I know this isn't a forever job. I know this is just a way to make money for the time being. I know I've only been working there for two weeks and once I settle in a bit more it might get better. But frankly, I'm a snob. I am. I'm a university graduate and working as a waitress isn't what I saw myself doing two months after I graduated with a 2:1 from a Top 10 UK University (so says the Times Higher Education Guide). My main problem there, though, is that I don't know what I saw myself doing.

If I knew what I wanted to do, I'd be doing it. Or at least, I'd like to think I'd be making steps towards doing it. The only thing that I know, that I feel, that I want to do is live in the States again. My 10 months in Colorado has tainted me forevermore. I'm 22 and I don't feel as if I'm in that 'settling down' place yet. I see people I know getting engaged, getting married, having babies and I realise how much I don't want that. Well, I do at some point. I just don't want it at the moment. And now that I'm in a full time job (in a weird sort of way. I did a little over 40 hours last week, so it qualifies. It just doesn't feel like a proper 'full time job' because it's not the standard 9 to 5 weekday job that I think of when I hear the phrase), living with a boyfriend who is also in a full time job, it makes me scared that I may never get the opportunity to go on the kind of adventures I dream about.

It's a kind of vicious circle, really. I need to work to get money to do what I want. But by working, I end up in a place that I'm not ready to be in. I guess a lot of saving is required.

No proposals, please.

Last night, after the double bill of Bridezillas had finished on Really (yes, I was home on a Friday night watching trashy reality TV. I don't mind admitting it), I left the TV on and went back to internetting. A program called Dawn Porter: Extreme Wife came on and it was actually pretty interesting. She went into a Mormon town, and stayed in two polygamist households. Anyway, I digress.

I liked Dawn Porter's style - she seemed quite 'normal' for an investigative reporter, so I looked her up online, and came across her personal website. There were links to some of articles she's written so I read a couple. And found this one:
Guys, think twice before you pop the question.
As I read it I realised THIS IS ME. This is exactly how I feel.

Now, don't get me wrong, Dan and I are nowhere near getting married and he knows that. But I watch quite a lot of reality TV shows involving weddings (the aforementioned Bridezillas, as well as Don't Tell the Bride, and I used to watch Four Weddings back when we had Sky Living), and I'm worried that he'll take that to mean I'm hinting at wanting a proposal. I'm not. I just really enjoy laughing at other people mess up (or not, you know, that sometimes works I suppose) their own weddings.

And yet, I know that if he did propose, I would feel obligated to say yes, for the reasons that Dawn outlines in her article:

"... there wouldn't be enough reason to hurt him by saying no".

"Trying to explain to a guy who's just proposed to you that you're not ready to marry him could cause him to feel so insecure that the relationship doesn't stand a chance after that."

Whereas some couples seem to see engagement as the next stage in a relationship, a symbol that they will get around to getting married one day, I don't see engagement that way. I see it to mean that wedding planning must commence almost straight away, and that the wedding will take place in not much more than a year from the proposal. The only way I could justify waiting for more than, say, 14 months would be if I found the perfect location and it was fully booked until x amount of time away. So if I'm not mentally prepared for getting married when I was proposed to, my 'yes' would be a way of not ending the relationship, not a 'yes' because OMGILOVEYOULETSGETMARRIED (to put it eloquently).

Not to say that I don't love Dan, and that I don't see myself with him for the rest of our lives. But with so many people I know - both off and online - getting engaged recently, it's made me realise that I'm definitely NOT ready to get married, or even engaged. I love living with Dan, and I think we should be content as we are for a while longer.