New Year body hang ups.

(warning: quite a rambling post)

Come the start of every new year, the same kind of articles and messages keep popping up everywhere; Christmas is over, it's a new year, it's time to lose weight! Cool, groovy, go for it. It's a lovely idea. But all this stuff annoys me. Because honestly, I'd like to have put on some weight over Christmas. I don't need to lose weight, I need to put it on. I've always been slim (I prefer that term to 'thin', but who am I kidding? I'm thin. I'm skinny. There, I said it). Losing weight has never been an issue for me. Gaining weight, however? Issue. Yes, I know that most girls have the opposite problem. I know that. That's why there's so much written about losing weight, especially at this time of year. But it makes me a little sad. Because I know I have the kind of figure that a lot of the girls reading those articles about losing weight want to have. And I don't want it. Okay, that's a lie. I love that I can eat loads and barely put on weight. But I've got the figure of a stick. There are no discernible curves anywhere.

Over the summer I gained a fair amount of weight. I've no idea how much because I rarely weigh myself (not because of any weird psychological reason; I just don't particularly care), but it was a pretty visible difference. It came as a result of eating Dan's portions sizes for every meal and not doing very much (read: none) exercise. So I was pretty damn unhealthy. But for once in my life I actually had some vague semblance of curves. And I liked it.

But then I started a job that requires me to be on my feet, on the go, the whole time I'm there. It also means I eat more sporadically, and those two things equate to me losing weight. A lot of weight. Clothes that fit me perfectly three months ago are baggy on me (particularly trousers; I bought some size 8 work trousers, then 3 weeks later had to start wearing the trousers I last wore to school when I was 16). I've lost my bum. And damnit, I want it back! I would honestly rather be a size 10 (because, if I'm being honest, it would take a lot of eating and sitting still for me to be more than that!) with a little bit of 'flab', but with a good bum and some actual breasts, than a size 6 with, well, nothing.

The media portrays ideal women as having my overall figure, but with D cup breasts and a booty to match. It's something that's pretty damn tricky for the average woman to achieve (without the help of cosmetic surgery). I'm trying to love my body for what it is, for what I have, but it's hard. I have other body hang ups that I can deal with (the bump in my nose, for instance, means I despise photos of myself taken side on), but when I can't buy certain tops, certain dresses that I want to wear because they need hips and breasts to pull them off, it genuinely upsets me. It's all very well saying 'wear whatever you want', but when what I want to wear makes me look skinny and flat chested? I suddenly don't want to wear it any more.

I think what I'm trying to say is; anyone who dreams of being a size 6/8? It ain't all it's cracked up to be sometimes.

P.S. This is in no way an Emma pity party. I know I'm lucky to be naturally slim, don't worry! But if girls get to gripe about wanting to lose weight, I get to gripe about wanting to put on weight.